Valerian and the movie of a thousand problems

Luc Besson’s crowd funded blockbuster tries too much and fails at pretty much all of it

It’s hard to keep a level head when reviewing films intended for children or families, or indeed any film that is targeted toward an audience of which I am no part. Yet despite being neither a child or a family I sat through the entirety of Valerian: City of a Thousand Planets, a sprawling Sci-Fi epic from visionary director of Leon, The Fifth Element. The film follows the story of Valerian, yes that’s his first name, who is a nondescript Agent for some sort of Human Galactic agency. Valerian wears its influences on its sleeve, unfortunately the Star Wars movie it seemed to be replicating was The Phantom Menace.

Now it can be common to forgive a film for children for not being a perfect piece of cinema, but there were simply too many glaring faults in Valerian to pass off as unimportant. The film opens by vomiting exposition into your face and far from snappy dialogue that is heavy handed and obvious whilst still somehow remaining vague and confusing.

I have talked at length in my review of Kubo and the Two Strings about the importance of a real danger in kids films. It is my opinion that fantastical heroes must be genuinely threatened in order to have any sort of impetus. Valerian is thrown straight into the thick of it from the film’s start, by the end of the first action scene our protagonist has already fell down twenty stories, been chased by mobsters and security agents and jumped from an armour plated magic school bus to a spaceship and came out completely unharmed. The hero of our story is constantly being thrown into what could be the climax of another movie and coming out unscathed. It’s as if the filmmakers are so afraid that you’d get bored watching so they have to throw in another action set piece conceit. It is an overload of half baked heroic schemes and pay off without any of the set up. When your entire movie is a climax, none of it is.

The humour found in the film is massively low effort, if ever there was a movie to demonstrate that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit it is this. Laureline has one weapon in her arsenal and it is a brutally unfunny one two punch of an eye roll and a muttered “oh great!” Meanwhile Valerian has managed to weaponise smugness in such a way that it killed my enthusiasm for what I was hoping to be a fun film within five minutes of the movie starting. He has a collection of niche-gadgets that would make Adam West’s Batman blush, including a saliva activated spider bot designed to break people out of cocoons (not kidding) but the film fails to make light of these things. It’s goofy fun that takes itself seriously, it is the antithesis of Kingsmen, the James Bond Jr of cinema, it is Spy Kids for people who thought Spy Kids was too interesting and funny. The only actor who seems to realise what tone the film should be going for is Ethan Hawke who plays a sleazy pimp (in a film aimed at kids). The man overacts and cherishes his lines like he’s Oldman in The Fifth Element, adding the self aware campiness that the film is sorely lacking throughout, unfortunately he is only on screen for one scene, overshadowed by the introduction of the “surprisingly-okay-in-this” Rihanna’s character.

Being based off of a comic book series it is possible that the story of the film is a number of smaller comic adventures stitched together through a single narrative, explaining the disjointed feeling of the film and the endlessness of the adventure. This could work if the narrative connecting the separate parts of the film wasn’t just Avatar.

It is clear that there was a lot of heart put into this movie, there are incredibly detailed set pieces and worlds that are designed, and the camera holds on to plenty of shots that I’m sure are filled with easter eggs for comic readers but there is simply too much of it. Much like Ghost in the Shell the film makes too much of an effort to make each shot some sort of interesting that it fails to grasp the possibility that less could be more in some instances.

I try to avoid talking about gender issues in these reviews, but films that are aimed at children and teens should be under harsher scrutiny to produce more socially progressive messages due to the impressionable nature of their audience. The way in which Laureline’s character is used as a lazy golden chalice for our protagonist is insultingly outdated. In short, Valerian has to prove himself by saving the world in order to get Laureline to marry him, despite their non-existent chemistry, his arrogance in her presence, his inability to look at her as an equal despite her saving his life multiple times and her apparent indifference to him as a person. Laureline had the potential to be a headstrong character with her own motivations but instead simply became an extension of Valerian’s and a tool used to propel the story. However this could simply be traced back to poor acting. It is also worth noting that movie is based off the comic ‘Valerian and Laureline.’

The 3D effects were unnoticeable despite numerous space battle scenes and asteroid belts, it added no depth to an already shallow film. This is one of those rare movies that could have actually benefited from 3D but seemed to forget that it had the option to use it. It appears to me that this might signal the end of 3D cinema releases until cinema falls into another crisis in ten years time.



Small children who want some goofy alien designs may enjoy this movie, its action scenes are well shot enough to be clear and it’s not dizzyingly awful on a surface level. However if you notice how stupid the writing is, how bland the characters are, or have any sort of standards whatsoever you will quickly become annoyed by this film.

Valerian tries to be too much, it is the Star Wars/ Spy Kids blend that no one asked for draped over an Avatar chassis. It has heart and ideas but they’re lost in a sea of bad writing, Deus ex-Machina and kiddie friendly fluff.

War on Everyone is a disjointed, but wonderfully cynical take on the buddy cop movie

Corrupt cops are unpleasant, offensive and hilarious in this first American outing for John Michael McDonagh

A film that came out earlier this year that I just got around to watching, War on Everyone had mixed reviews at the time, with many damning it, it was even called “this years don’t see film.” This is a preposterous claim that deserves to be sucked into a black hole. The film is far from perfect, but multiple reviews calling it terrible are perplexing, especially in a year in where we have had to suffer through bland shit like Jack Reacher and London has Fallen as well as the box office successes of Suicide Squad and Batman vs Superman. It’s alien to me that someone would be so turned off by a little crass humour that they would call such a clever, well shot, sickly funny movie as War on Everyone terrible, I’ll take offensive over boring any day of the week.

One review claimed that it is not the right time to make a comedy about corrupt cops, which is a laughable insinuation, The Great Dictator came out in 1940, Dr Stangelove, at the height of the Cold War. The purpose of comedy is to highlight the problems of the day and point out what’s laughably stupid and wrong about them. It is always the perfect time to make comedy films about the problems in the world.

War on Everyone is unstuck from time, it’s a pastiche of 1970’s cop dramas set in the modern age. It is having fun with the levels of incompetence that cops could display in these old shows and films. They are as corrupt as the day is long, they don’t get warrants, they want to kill people instead of take them in and they do it all for their own gain. Alexander Skarsgård is doing his best Hunter S Thompson impression throughout his entire drug and alcohol fuelled performance, and it’s hard to think that the story wasn’t somewhat influenced by the capers of Hunter and his Mexican sidekick in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The film has the same rampant pace and sprawling jagged structure, not really establishing itself with a beginning or middle, it just sort of keeps going until it ends. It allows the film to concentrate on the jokes but the fact that McDonagh’s writing never lets up on the quips means there really isn’t any time to slow down and take it all in. The characters are so unlikable and untroubled that it is hard to identify with them.

They drive in a Starsky and Hutch style sports car and do absolutely no real police work throughout the film’s run time. I believe it is an intentional choice on the director’s part, to show how far gone these characters are and that they can in no way continue to be police while maintaining this lifestyle, but one simple scene of them performing their job, just to show that they are capable, would have gone a long way to humanising them.

It has a soundtrack of almost entirely Glen Campbell songs which compliments the dark mood of the film perfectly. There is interesting cinematography at every turn and some amazing comical cuts in the editing. There are so many memorable and clever moments in the film that it’s a shame they’ll be forgotten about by being placed in such an uninteresting story. The film doesn’t go all out parody so it needs to hold on to a somewhat reasonable semblance of story to grip its viewers, it doesn’t do that.

Where the film stumbles is on the villains’ side of things. All the scenes used to establish them are not in line with the rest of the film, it seems intentionally mysterious and away from the point unlike the dialogue of our main characters. The villains in the film are almost too satirical for their own good. They lack the charm and clarity of villains from the Grand Budapest Hotel or the Fifth Element. But they act a slight too strange to really be funny or taken seriously. It’s a tricky line to walk and War on Everyone seems to slip up on it.


This is not up to the high standard of quality McDonagh has set with The Guard and Calvary and it doesn’t come close to his brother’s even higher bar of In Bruges and Seven Psychopaths, but it certainly shares a mood and a style of humour with them.

The dialogue seems to still be written for Irish actors and sounds strange coming out in American accents. There are pacing issues and the crime story is too busy and generic but beneath it all the film is refreshingly shameless in its pursuit of a good laugh. At one point even throwing its leads on a plane to Iceland for a simple joke. War on Everyone is not made for everyone, but if you don’t take it too seriously, which you shouldn’t, it’s a comedy, you’ll find plenty to laugh about.